Julius Ceasar Visits Jerry Springer
by gibby101
Summary: What would happen if you took Julius Ceasar, Brutus, Portia, Cassius, and Calpurnia and put them on an episode of Jerry Springer? Hilarity will ensue people. We'll find out what means more to Brutus, his horse or his wife, and so on...
1. Chapter 1 DRAM QUEENS

This started out as an English assignment last year for my final and I decided to add it to to see how well it goes over. Depending on the response I get for this I may post the rest of it. I need at least four reviews to do that!

Jerry Springer- "Caesar Edition"

Cast:

Jerry Springer-

Brutus-

Caesar-

Cassius-

Portia-

Calpurnia-

Plebeians-everybody…

Script written by gibby101

Scene One- Jerry Springer Stage

Plebeians- making crowd noises

JS: Okay Okay, quiet down, on today's show you'll witness the many tragedies of Julius Caesar. There will be many distraugtful scenes and many tears will be shed. If you can't handle the tears get out of the studio. Okay then, let's bring out Portia Brutus and Calpurnia Caesar!

Plebeians- crowd noises… Whoo Yay bring them out here Jerry! Jerry I love you! Jerry marry me!

_Portia and Calpurnia come out on stage and wave to the crowd as they sit down on opposite chairs. Calpurnia slightly glares over at Portia; Portia is oblivious to the glares and glances around the stage nervously._

JS: Okay ladies so you know why you're here, right?

_Calpurnia nods, after a second so does Portia. Calpurnia speaks first._

Calp: That (_scornfully) _woman's husband killed my Julius! _(Breaks into sobs {fake sobs please, but make it look convincing!!!})_

P: _looks at Calpurnia like she just grew a second head._ You can't hold me responsible for what my husband has done! For the month before Caesar died he ignored me…_ pauses, Portia realizes why Brutus was ignoring her; _O Ye Gods! He was plotting to kill Caesar! I tell you Calpurnia I had nothing to do with it! I've only just realized what he did!

Calp: _Considers what Portia is saying before speaking. She glances over at Portia who looks worried, and is wringing her hands._ I'll consider the fact that you had nothing to do with the plot. You were genuinely shocked when I told you. If you didn't know what Brutus had done; then what did you think you here for?

P: Brutus told me this was about my depressions and suicidal tendencies. I think I know whose going to be sleeping in his study for a very long time. _Emphasis on the __**very long time**__ part._

Calp: I think it would be pointless to blame a woman who has been oblivious to her husband's actions. So I neither blame you nor forgive you for what has happened.

_Both women get up and hug each other and sit down next to each other smiling. Jerry claps his hands together to bring attention to himself. Camera turns to Jerry and focuses in on him._

JS: Okay then. Now that Portia and Calpurnia have sorted out their non-existent problems with each other, let's bring in someone who seems to be a problem for them both, Marcus Brutus!

_Camera swings to the general direction that Brutus enters the stage from. When he approaches the couches, Portia meets him halfway and slaps him across the face, (someone next to the camera smacks hands…pretend to smack Brutus)_

Brutus (B): OWWWW!!!!! What was that for Portia?

P: _places hands on her hips and stands in the classic 'I'm very disappointed in you mister' stance._ You know why Brutus. You know, for not telling me the truth! Am I not your wife? Or am I living in the suburbs of your love?

B: He he he…_chuckles nervously; scratches the back of his head_ You found out about the conspiracy theory didn't you?

P: _nods_

B: Look hun, I tried to tell you, but Cassius showed up and he interrupted me, and then well it happened the next day, and well I had to leave the city. I had just enough time to grab my armor and Lucius and get the hell out of Rome…

P: _Rolls her eyes;_ did you forget something important dear?

B: Let's see, I had my horse, armor, sword, Lucius, money, my army stuff…

P: _cuts of Brutus._ ME!! YOU FORGOT ME!! YOUR WIFE! YOU NO GOOD SON OF A…

JS: Let's not start swearing Mrs. Brutus; this is a primetime show that is watched by children under 10.

P: Stay out of this you.

B: Now Portia honey…

P:_ yelling._ DON'T YOU 'PORTIA' ME MISTER! YOU MARCUS BRUTUS ARE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE!

JS: Okay then, we're going to let Portia and Brutus sort out their problems off camera. But when we come back, we'll bring out Julius Caesar, and later, Caius Cassius.


	2. Chapter 2 and DRAMA KINGS!

And here's the second and final half of Julius Ceasar and Jerry Springer. Hope you enjoyed this!!! Look for my next story soon, it will more than likely be in the Harry Potter section ;)

Scene Two – Jerry Springer Stage

FYI: Portia and Calpurnia are now off camera, and the only people that should be seen by the camera/audience are Jerry Springer, Brutus, and after he is announced, Caesar. Jerry is then to disappear and no one sees him again until he needs to intro Cassius. When Cassius is announced he disappears, again and isn't seen until I write him in. Got that? Too bad, moving on…

JS: Welcome, back! Earlier we had some issues between Brutus and his wife that needed to be handled off camera. Now that we've handled some of the worst yelling that I've seen in a long while, let's bring out the big man himself, the head cheese if you will… Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the one, the only! JULIUS CAESAR!!!!

Plebeians: Crowd noises… JERRY I LOVE YOU!!!! ALL HAIL CAESAR!!! DEATH TO THE TYRANT!!

JS: All right settle down, settle down.

JC: Thank you for having me here on this show. You really need to redecorate I'm sorry. If you want to have Caesar on your show then your stage must match the tastes of Caesar.

JS: Thanks, but no thanks. You can just deal with the décor. If you have any other problems take them out on your good 'friend' (_do the air quotes when you say friend)_ Brutus.

JC: Brutus? That back stabbing, no good dirty rotten scoundrel! To have the nerve to still consider himself an ally of Caesar? That man has some nerve! Grrrr

B: Get over yourself Julius! Whenever you and I are in a room at the same time it's always Caesar this and Caesar that! Then you're all like no stop; the needs of the Roman Republic come before the needs of Caesar, and then like two seconds later you start comparing yourself to Jupiter!

JC: I do not! That is the most untrue thing that I've ever heard!

B: Name one time that you've actually done something for Rome before doing something for yourself.

JC: Gladly. Well…um…let's see…um…hmmm. Oh! I've got it! Right before you killed me! When Artemidorus tried to give me his petition! I took Decius' petition first! Artemidorus said that "for mine's a suit/ that touches Caesar nearer." (3.1 6-7)

B: _Rolls his eyes and shakes his head in disbelief:_ Of all times for you to decide to be selfless! If you had read that petition first you'd still be alive, and I'd be the dead person here!

JC: Wow you're right. The irony stinks man.

B: You got that right. So uh, yeah. How's that afterlife been treating you?

JC: Okay. Did you get my message? The one about meeting again at Philippi?

B: Unfortunately I did. That was one of the most frightening nights of my life. Until of course the night I died…

JC: Good. You deserved to be frightened like that after killing me!

B: Don't blame me!! It was Cassius' idea! He just recruited me and manipulated me into believing that you were a tyrant and that killing you would be best for the republic.

JC: I don't believe you.

B: _Stands up and faces Caesar;_ Fine! Don't believe me! But if you ask Cassius he might tell you the truth!

JC: _Stands up and faces Brutus;_ Fine I will!

JS: Let's bring out Cassius then!

_Cassius comes out and Jerry disappears again…_

JC: You! It's your fault that I died! Your fault! How do you sleep at night?

Cass: I sleep very well thank you very much. And it's your own stupid fault you big pig. If you weren't such a tyrant…

JC: A tyrant! I was the best thing to happen to the Roman Republic!

Cass: Yeah right. You ruined the whole empire!

JC: Did not!

Cass: Did too!

JC: Did not!

Cass: Did too!

B: ENOUGH ALREADY!!! You're going to drive someone mad if you keep that arguing up. You're acting like a bunch of three year olds, knock it off.

JC and Cass: Sorry…

B: Look at the two of you. You Caesar, the ruler of Rome and you Cassius a mighty senator and conspirator both reduced to acting like spoiled children who didn't get their way. I can't believe the two of you. I'm extremely disappointed…

Cass: Oh ye Gods! You sound like my mother!

B: I'm not finished with you!

Cass: Oh really? Because I can see where this is going! You're going to fight with me and then defend Caesar because we all know just how much you love the man…

B: Would you shut up! That's all I hear from you! _In a whining voice_; Why don't you like me? What does Caesar have that I don't? Boo-hoo. I'm poor little Cassius that nobody likes! Take a hint will you?

Cass: _drops his jaw in shock;_ You don't like me? That hurts Brutus, that really hurts.

B: Again, get over yourself Cassius. The world doesn't revolve around you. You're starting to sound like Caesar with all the whining that you're doing.

Cass: Me sound like Caesar? That's low Brutus, even for you.

B: Why, thank you Cassius. It's my goal in the afterlife to sink to new lows by insulting everyone that I was ever acquainted with.

JC: It's rather obvious that you started your master plan before you died Brutus.

B: Well, you gotta start somewhere.

Cass: That's it! I've had enough of you and Caesar ignoring me! I want my mommy!

_Brutus looks over at Caesar. Caesar looks over at Brutus, and shrugs his shoulders._ B: I think that someone skipped his n-a-p today.

_Caesar smirks at tries not to laugh while Cassius is pouting with his arms crossed over his chest. _JC: I agree and think that we should put him down for his n-a-p before the show is over.

Cass: Stop talking about me!! I can still hear you, did you know that?

B: SHUT UP CASSIUS!! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR WHINNING AND YOUR CRYING!! KNOCK IT OFF!!

Cass: See I knew it! I knew it but couldn't prove it!

JC: What did he know that has him this upset Brutus?

B: I have no idea. No idea at all…

Cass: Oh yes you do know! I told you the night before we marched to Philippi against my wishes.

B: We talked about a lot of things that night Cassius. There is one conversation that stands out though.

Cass: Really? Which one?

B: The one where we discussed how you un-honorably obtained money from the citizens of the roman Republic and accepted bribes to fund your army.

Cass: Well thanks for caring Brutus. What I'm talking about was how you love Caesar more than you love me! Do you remember that at all?

B: Vaguely, you were shouting a lot, scared Lucius, yelled "O ye Gods!" quite a lot, and I believe you told me to stab a dagger into your chest a few times, and then proceeded to drink quite a lot of my finest wine.

Cass: I did not scare Lucius or drink all your wine.

B: Lucius was afraid to come near you for days! He refused to leave my horse alone while we were marching and kept popping up randomly to see where I was.

JC: maybe the boy was worried that something bad was going to happen to you. After all, you have been very good to him since he came to work in your house.

B: Or that too. I still think that Cassisus scarring him sounds better when I tell people about what happened. Shakespeare didn't even get half of it right when he wrote the play.

JC: What did he get wrong?

B: Portia died of lead poisoning. Not from swallowing hot coals, and I when I went back to the house she was nowhere to be found so I didn't abandon her on purpose.

JS: Uh, Gentlemen can we wrap this up? The show ends in five minutes and I have to have the last three to talk.

B, JC, and Cass: Uh, Okay.

B: Give us two minutes to sort this out. _From here on the camera should focus on one person while they talk so that everyone gets to wrap it up. _

JC: Okay, I forgive Brutus, I condemn Cassius and the other conspirators I should have listened to my wife and I got power hungry I'll admit that. But, I enjoy hanging out with Pluto in the underworld so I pass on any offers to go anywhere else.

B: I still blame Cassius for what happened, Portia has a right to be mad at me, and I need to learn to confide in my wife and not to lie to her.

Cass: I don't see why you need to blame me, but whatever. I'm proud of what I did and what came from it so I'm out of here once this show is over and don't any of you guys come and bother me.

Calp: Julius needs to listen more, and should trust his wife's decisions when it comes to life or death matters. I apologize to Portia for what I said to her earlier today and hopes she forgives me.

P: I forgive you Cali. Brutus you're sleeping in your study, I don't want to hear you whining when we leave so save it, I think I need to work on slapping people across the face without letting them explain themselves.

JS: And that's it for our show today folks. You've been a wonderful audience and join us next time when we have the Capulet and Montague families of Verona join us on set to end a centuries old family feud!


End file.
